From Kevin Ji-Keitoshi...

A friend of mine asked me after an intense meditation experience, "What if I lose myself in there? I went so deep that I felt like I had to fight to remember who I was!" My friend was feeling unsure whether it was safe to continue exploring.

It is such an important question for brave spiritual explorers. Is it possible to lose myself in the process? What is really at risk, and how do I stay safe? I'd like to share with you my experience of struggling with these questions.

The good news is, the most important parts of our personality arose in us for important reasons. Our deepest love for friends and family, our connection to spiritual truth, and our deepest passions all came to be in our personality because of forces in our life, and so even if we forget all those things for a moment, they are recreated in us by those same forces. Like film in a movie projector, the images seem to disappear when the light of awareness is removed, but the imprints are still there and will arise again at the instant the light is returned. So my experience is that even in very deep meditations or transformational experiences, the most important depth parts of my personality snap right back into focus as soon as I come back.

But, transformational experiences wouldn't be transformational if major stuff didn't change in me. So what is it that changes? And why is the stuff that changes okay to change?

On top of my deepest self is a whole collection of ideas about how I should manifest my personality. These ideas are usually unconscious, a whole collection of strategies, habits, and inclinations that have developed over time as circumstances unfolded. I may have a certain laugh I developed in middle school, copied from another teenager. I may have a certain way of eating I copied from my mother. I may have a certain way of driving I got from my uncle. These things seem like "me", like my distinct personality, but really, they're incidental. They were developed at random, and many of them were developed in conditions that I would reject now if made conscious of them. (Anything I developed in middle school is in that category).

The random forces that caused me to develop that laugh, for example, are no longer in my life. That middle school kid is long gone, and I don't need his laugh anymore. So when I go really deep in meditation, it's possible that I might just forget that, and when I come back, there's nothing to cause it to be created again.

I might just forget that I don't like sour cream, and start liking it. I might just forget that I thought that clothing fashion was stupid, and start wearing it. I might just forget that I thought I'd never affiliate with a certain political view, and suddenly it makes sense to me. I might even forget how I learned to walk and talk and eat, and just recreate those things spontaneously now, based on who I am today.

And all of that would be a good thing (and all of those examples are real in my life). But it can be scary, because when I was learning to let go of those things, they really felt like me. If I let go of how I laugh, what I eat, what I wear, and how I move, where am I? Who is left?

The answer was really quite beautiful, if hard to express. Underneath all those affectations I found my deeper self. The old affectations are replaced with new affectations, of course, because I still have to walk, talk, eat, laugh, make fashion decisions and form political opinions... but now I know that all those things are temporary truths built on the needs of the moment. They can (and will) change. My real self is under all that and can't be lost in meditation, sleep, coma, and even death.

Given that, I am much more free to explore meditation and spiritual transformation deeply.

Does this mean we are utterly safe, and cannot possibly have a problem from exploring spiritual truth? No, not at all, and here's why:

Although it is true that we cannot ever permanently lose that deeper self, we can certainly bury it so deep in temporary affectations that it's invisible and unfindable. And we can make really poor decisions in the name of surface personality traits because we are so out of touch with the deeper self.

The beauty of spiritual exploration is that it cuts through our surface personalities and allows us to let them go... but then we'd better be sure to be conscious of what we replace them with. The first time we formed out personalities, we hopefully had parents and teachers to guide us, to call us out when we got way off track, and to maintain a safe environment. As adults, all the safeties are off. Less people are looking out for us, we have more privacy and power, and we may not allow the ones who care about us enough influence to help.  If we get obsessed with an unhealthy personality trait, it's harder for us to get out, so we'd better make the personality-formation process conscious, intelligent and careful. Speaking from experience, freedom is also danger.

We could also fall into a trap sometimes called spiritual materialism, where we think the spiritual experience is a replacement for a surface personality, or that the surface personality is bad or pointless. Not at all. I can tell you that trying to float around in a spiritual cloud with no personality is not effective or enjoyable, for you or others.

So these are the real dangers - not that I will lose my deepest self, but that I will panic as my surface personality changes, or that I will use the freedom from my past to make an unhealthy personality in the present, or that I will simply fall in love with spiritual truth so deeply that I refuse to engage the personality-formation process (essentially leaving it to random chance).

Despite these risks, I find it is worth doing for an intelligent and motivated person. The rewards are limitless, and through it all, you can never destroy your most basic pure self. My recommendation is to find and verify a great teacher, trust them with your whole self, and then practice bravely and with an eye toward the highest goals.

Kevin Ji-Keitoshi Casey

On Sunday, January 8, Angelique Espinoza will test for her 1st Degree Black Belt. She graciously allowed us to print a copy of her Black Belt essay and let us into the thoughts and feelings of coming to this milestone. Please take a few minutes, without distractions, and give Mrs. Angelique your full attention.

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I've been here twice before, on a martial arts path with my black belt in sight and years of training behind me. I never meant to quit. I simply did not overcome the rain of obstacles, large and small, that seemed to pop up in that last stretch of road. But there comes a time in martial arts, as in life, when you must either step up to the challenge or go home. So I quit, took breaks, switched arts, tied a white belt again and enjoyed being a beginner, free from expectations of greatness. Testing for my To-Shin Do black belt means rising to the challenge at last and coming to terms with my expectations of myself as a black belt student.

Some of those expectations are realistic and appropriate. Tying a black belt means I have demonstrated a commitment to training consistently, that I have mastered the repertoire of techniques adequately to graduate into the next level of training. It means committing to take on additional leadership responsibilities in the dojo, such as coaching, evaluating belt graduation tests, and helping to care for and advance the dojo as needed and requested. It means seeking out advanced training opportunities at both in and out of town workshops and seminars. Minimally, it means maintaining the level of fitness and skill I have achieved so far.

These things are all doable, and they bring with them commensurate privileges. Besides recognition and respect, tying a black belt offers the opportunity to train at the next level, to learn more advanced techniques, and train with more skillful partners. Along with greater personal investment in the life of the dojo comes greater ownership and influence, admission into the circle of black belt leadership, and a sense of contributing more fully to the lineage. Up until now I have belonged to the dojo. Earning my black belt will mean that the dojo, in some small measure, belongs to me.

With so much to be gained, why have I been unable or unwilling to cross this threshold before? Perhaps because many of my expectations of myself as a black belt student are unrealistic, even unachievable. Individual mastery is doable, but absolute perfection is by its very nature aspirational. Perfection is an idea of a state of fully manifested potential. There is no room for progress because perfection is already complete, and therefore static. In contrast, reality is a dynamic state of change and growth in which potential continuously manifests and dissolves into memory, making way for progressive manifestations as the future becomes the present.

Therefore, my expectation that I should be perfect before presenting myself for black belt testing is not only unrealistic, but also self limiting. I have held onto it for one reason. Perfection is beyond criticism, judgement and failure, it represents immunity from "what-if"s. What if my demo is not sufficiently impressive? What if I don't make it to enough classes? What if I am unable to best a lower ranked student? The list goes on. At a certain threshold, aversion to being found imperfect (read inadequate) becomes the enemy of my willingness to demonstrate the good.

Getting my black belt means overcoming that instinct toward self imposed limitation. It is one more particularly large and significant experience that builds on my ongoing efforts to retrain my instincts. Rather than avoid opportunities to manifest greatness out of fear of criticism, I seek to embrace those challenges and welcome constructive criticism as a tool for making progress toward my ideal, even when it means I risk literally falling on my face.

I have been here twice before, so what makes this time different? Perhaps I am older, wiser and more ready. Or perhaps there are elements specific to To-Shin Do training that have supported me in coming closer to testing for a black belt than every before: the small steady advancement of the striping system; the commitment made early on in joining the black belt club; the reinforcement of seeing my black belt inscribed with my name week after week, test after test; the encouragement to own and personalize the techniques, rather than struggle with what does not work for me; the simple repetition at every class affirming, " I am ready to learn and advance."

With little more than a month to go, however, I am approaching the cliff's edge beyond which only a leap of faith will take me. I do not have the perfect courage to dive gracefully...yet. Instead, I will employ the techniques I have mastered in my life to get me over the edge when I have decided it is time to go. I have already begun my running start, letting go of expecting to be perfect, and focusing instead on being good enough. I will not let mistakes or missteps slow me down. I will power through with sheer grit and determination. And if I run out of those, will trick myself like Ramon the penguin from Happy Feet who distracts himself from the edge in order to "accidentally" fall over it. If I need to, I will employ some friends as Ramon does in Happy Feet Two. "Count to three," he says, "push me on two but don't tell me." To me, getting my To-Shin Do black belt means finally going over the edge and getting to the other side.
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Support Mrs. Angelique and Mr. Boaz by attending their Black Belt test on Sunday, January 8, at the Boulder Reservoir. The ceremonies will begin at 3:15 pm. Stay tuned for more details.

The NY Times recently printed an article, "Nearly 1 in 5 Women in US Survey Say They Have Been Sexually Assaulted", that gives some pretty staggering stats on sexual assault in the US. Of these women, 20% are raped before age 10, 50% before 18, and 80% before 25. Though men are raped much less often (1 in 75), the vast majority of these occur before the age of 10.

Even more staggering to me, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men report having been beaten by an intimate partner.

People who have been vicitimized experience greater likelihood to poor health decisions, like smoking, and are more likely to suffer from diseases like diabetes, irritable bowel, and headaches.

While these articles give us great access to content, they fail to provide solutions. The field of psychology has a multitude of research on the effects of trauma on the body and somatic psychology does a fantastic job of helping a person become functional, a survivor. If you've been a victim of an assault, there is something you can do recapture the person you want to be.

Yoga and meditation help you reconnect with your inner self. You take control of your most primary system, your breath, and use it guide your inner experience. Endurance activities like running release endorphins and give you intimate knowledge of your strength and capabilities. Classes like glass-blowing or painting help you connect with your creative self and you can re-learn the safety of being vulnerable. This assault doesn't need to define, it's another component of your past and you have control over your relationship with it.

To-Shin Do (r) gives you the opportunity to redefine your relationship with violence and with owning your own power. Self defense is about living your brightest and happiest life. It's about excellent decision making, finding your center, and learning to recognizing danger. Using an elemental model, we explore stability, intelligence, action, and freedom as critical components of self defense. We use breath, postures, voice, and interactions to bring all aspects of ourselves into this present moment. It's about becoming a hero, not just for others, but for yourself.

There are many practices to help you live as a Warrior. Yoga  If the ninja path resonates with you, try a free class. If the ninja path doesn't resonate with you, please find something that does. The world needs you to be your brightest.

Hakim Isler (To Shin Do Head Instructor) is the founder of Elite Guard, LLC, a martial art, fitness and security training company. He has been involved in the martial arts for 24 years and the security field for 10 years. Hakim is a veteran of the Iraq war and an ex-member of the Army Special Operations community, where he received Arabic language training, survival training, evasion training, paratrooper training, etc. He holds a 3rd degree black belt (Sandan) in To-Shin Do (modern Ninjutsu), as taught by world-renowned author and Black Belt Hall of Fame member Stephen K. Hayes. Hakim is also a practitioner of American Jiu Jitsu, Gracie Barra Jiu Jitsu and FCS Kali.
Hakim has served as a board member of Rape Crisis Volunteers of Cumberland County. He has served as a continuing education instructor of Defensive tactics and Fayetteville Technical Community College. He is an honors graduate and Certified Protection Specialist (Body Guard) through Executive Security International (ESI), where he completed over 600 study hours and practical training in principles of protection; human behavior; profiles of terrorism; counter surveillance and covert security; electronic security; bomb search and identification; etc. He is also a co-founder of Spirit Quest, a non-profit organization aimed at assisting at-risk youth.

Sign Up for a Private Lesson with Sensei Isler

$50/30 minutes; $90/60 minutes

See the front desk or drop us an email to sign up for Friday or Saturday afternoon training this weekend.

December 5 is International Ninja Day. It's the day pirates fear the most. It's the day when the world recognizes that in fact, Eveybody Needs a Ninja.

To celebrate ninja day, we have the following suggestions:
1. Read Ninja Vol 1: Spirit of the Shadow Warrior. Choose an exercise and focus on it all day today.
2. Wear your ninja t-shirt and teach people how to wear their t-shirt like a ninja mask.
3. Show off your cool ninja skills by making a shuriken out of paper and throwing it with your mad skills.
4. Take a class at your local Boulder dojo, the Boulder Quest Center. Classes for beginners are at 4pm and 7pm.
5. Most of all, enjoy International Ninja Day!

Be ninja,
Mary Aitoshi

Part 2: Aitoshi's reflections on teachings by His Holiness the Sakya Trizin at the Vajrakilya Major Empowerment in Vancouver, BC and how it relates to our study of To-Shin Do
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River of Empowerment: To ripen the student
An empowerment in Buddhist studies is an intensive practice where you take in a lot of information and it primes you to think about major concepts and your own relation to practice. In the To-Shin Do world, weekend seminars like Fall Festival or an SKH visit to your local dojo can certainly do this. One major advantage of Fall Festival is that it breaks your normal routines. Instead of figuring out how you're going to cook dinner and pay bills, you spend the weekend in a hotel and really get an immersive ninja experience.

River of Teaching: To inform the student
In Buddhist practice, this river refers to the commentaries on the empowerment teachings. This correlates to our historical scrolls. In the  scrolls of the nine families, we know we have battlefield and time tested material that has led to centuries of successes. The teachings in To-Shin Do are directly derived from the scrolls and from modern research into what we need in self defense in the US today.

River of Practice: To implement the studies
The river of practices reaches how to implement the teachings practically. Every time a student enters the dojo, they are jumping into this river. Our To-Shin Do classes are designed to teach students how to learn complex material. We cover striking, ukemi, and kata defenses in every class. There is an additional layer of depth in our complexity because we teach life skills and how to implement heroism, compassion, and action into our daily lives.

River of Instruction: To clear doubts
Testing the teachings happens in the river of instruction. In this river, the student explores all that has been absorbed from the empowerments, teachings, and practices. Our randori, or free-response, is designed to create a venue for this testing. Randori gives the student the opportunity to viscerally experience their progress by physically and mentally challenge them in a stressful situation. It closely approximates the energies of an off-the-mat conflict so a student can confront their doubts and move through them. This powerful experience allows each student to make the practice their own. In To-Shin Do, the art should become you.


To jump into the rivers, please contact us for a free class. If you are already a student, grab your bag and come to class.

Ninja Night is a parents' dream. It's a night when you get alone time to take a bath, eat eggplant, or read a book with no interruptions. The kids run, play, get loud, eat pizza, and watch a short movie.It's a guilt free indulgence for you because the kids will beg to come. Often imitated, never duplicated, Boulder Quest is the place for authentic ninja training.

Friday October 21
5:00-8:00 pm
$25 ($15 for siblings)

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